Yesterday after a long conversation with my sponsor, she mentioned that in her own experience (her A is her dad but she passed all her unhealthiness to her H) she held her husband to very high expectations and was very critical and judgemental of him and didn't accept him the way he was. She never gave him a break. As she put it, she realized that she was not a 'soft place for him to fall'. I think about all these similar things that I've done to my AH and how, as a spouse, I have not been a soft place to fall for him. And by that, I mean that, despite his drinking, I too hurt him. So often he'd ask what he had to do, how he could never make me happy, and I thought the whole solution was for him to get sober. And now I realize that it's also for me to be healthy. And when I'm healthy I can be a better partner for him, which in turn can cause a more positive effect on him. So it's not about telling him how to fix things, it's about fixing myself and to begin changing all the negative unhealthy dynamics.
When I was younger, I remember sometimes when my mom would be sitting on the couch and my dad would kneel down in front of her and put his head in her lap. It was his way of expressing a need for love (man of few words and quite stoic) and she would stroke his head and hair. I realize that my AH's drinking has caused me to fall into bad reactions which became my new basis for interacting with him, but I am not, nor have I been for years a gentle lap that he can rest, in his home, with the person he is most intimate with. A healthier partner could have earlier separated the person from the disease, but instead I became a hard@ss that demanded change, threatened, berated for being unable to control drinking.
Over the last few weeks my eyes have been opening quite a bit, and this new stuff was quite a revelation. Acknowledging my part has been difficult because it's easier to look outward at others than inward (their issue too when they look to you to fix everything). And it clicked about all the times he did try to tell me what he needed, and I hardened because I was so angry and resentful about all his bad habits.