I know you probably get sick of hearing this, coming_clean, but my experience with the relapse/abstain cycle played out exactly like it's described here. I hear a lot of similarity in what you are feeling and going through right now. It sounds just like you. I had to have that entire psychic change talked about before this cycle ended for me.
Originally Posted by AA BB, 1st
After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.