Hi Porcelina, and welcome.
It's great that you are reaching out for help, and I'm sorry, but not completely surprised, that you tried AA and found it depressing.
I needed to get clear on my relationship with alcohol, which for me meant understanding that I was powerless over it. It did not matter that I didn't drink every day, or that I wasn't drunk in the gutter-- I always went back to it, and when I did, I could not predict what would happen.
This last sentence-- always going back to it, and not being able to predict what will happen-- is key in determining anyone's relationship with alcohol.
It's incredibly counter-intuitive for humans to admit powerlessness. The word suggests defeat and weakness, an inability to take care of oneself.
So rather than admit that, I continued the power struggle with alcohol. How could a substance be more powerful than me? It was crazy.
And yet, with astonishing predictability, I lost that battle. And then someone told me that by admitting my powerlessness, I could begin the process of finding a power that would relieve me of this maddening obsession.
So, I suggest that you really look at your relationship with alcohol. What goes on prior to the binges? Have you ever had success in not drinking? What were you doing then? I think Carol made a good suggestion of trying to talk to a professional as well.
I'm grateful that I know the answer, and it's simple. Because I then was able to get about the business of saving myself. And it was through AA that I did so-- not necessarily the meetings you were disappointed in, but the recovery process of the 12 steps.