I've been around people working or "dabbling" in recovery for a long time. In that time, I have encountered only a handful of people (three or four) who were concerned enough about their drinking to have to "do something about it" who were able to achieve successful moderate drinking habits.
Someone who is alcoholic has a physical problem, as well as a mental and spiritual problem. We no longer process alcohol the same way other people do--as soon as we drink, we find it extraordinarily difficult, if not impossible, to put the brakes on. I was able, with some difficulty, to control my drinking for brief periods of time. But I was always itching for more, and unhappy if I couldn't have it. I didn't feel physically, mentally, or emotionally "OK" unless I was drinking.
Once I was able to stop drinking ENTIRELY, and accepted the fact that I CANNOT drink safely, it no longer troubled me. But if I were to have a drink now, I believe it would "wake up" my now-sleeping addiction, and I would be right back into the vicious cycle of struggling to control it--unhappy whether I was drinking or not.
Most of us, though, have had to struggle with trying to control it before we are ready to give up. And giving up is the only way you "beat" the addiction. It's counterintuitive. But whenever I hear newcomers talk about their "struggles" and their "victories" I kind of inwardly cringe, because I think they still see it as something they need to battle every day. Which is NOT how I want to live.
Charlie, I think you have to be very careful to keep the focus on yourself in this relationship. While it's good to understand all you can about alcoholism, it's very easy to fall into "coaching" the alcoholic about how to deal with her disease. If she wants help and support, the best thing you can do is point her in the direction of AA, and let the folks in that program explain the facts of life to her. Only another alcoholic really understands what she is dealing with.