Originally Posted by
Carol Star 
I identify with everything everybody wrote in this thread. I did have the list of dealbreakers for me on a little card. I would forget and get pulled back into the magical thinking. I can't just remember the good. I can't just remember his potential and forget the things which day to day made it so hard like lies, sub. abuse, verbal abuse, manipulations, and promises not kept and distrust, porn, and negativity. I will always love the good parts and miss them. I have to remember the whole story. Love the person and hate the disease.....but I know I can't live in active addiction. The little card of the bad stuff was a needed reality for me because I would forget so fast. My XAH never embraced recovery. If he had tried my story could have been different.
Carol-Your words are mine and as I read them this morning, it hit me-as much as I had my list of dealbreakers and having just gone through yet another emotional rollercoaster of emotions, begging, pleading, bargaining, apologies, promises to do better, it finally hit me that it it was my magical thinking, hope for what could have been as opposed to the reality of the situation that has been so hard for to accept and let go.
I can look at all of this subjectively in my brain-the relapses, the angry words, the verbal abuse, the unfulfilled promises, the blaming, the harsh words said and not remembered (added to my dealbreaker list was his latest assertion that he could not remember what he said to me that hurt, upset and angered me so much....because he was a man) and yet, the good times come through, the loving, the laughter, the genuine happiness we shared. Those happened and to remember them is hard, harder than I ever thought it would be which made it harder to let go.
But, like you, there's the other part, the whole story - the lies, the anger, the drinking, the relapses, the fact that he would not embrace recovery-after many things tried-rehab, AA , counseling both separate and together, anti-depressants, baclofen, the list goes on and on and my final realization that the ultimate dealbreaker was that he chooses not to embrace recovery , which is his choice. I have to give him that dignity to live his life the way he chooses and for me, that's the final act of letting go. It's very hard and these past couple of weeks have been a lot tougher for me than I thought they would be.
My story, like yours (and many others) could have been a lot different, but it's not and hard as it is to accept it and let it go, I have to see reality for what it is. Like you, I can't live with active addiction-it's too high a price to pay for my sanity and serenity. That's the bottom line for me.
I'm starting school (after a very long absence) in a couple of weeks, I have Al-anon and other people in my life who help me see these things, I have SR, I have a dog who loves me unconditionally, there's so much in my life I do have and I am so very grateful for all of it.