It's a good analogy. Al Anon is school for me too! Jos, I hope you have found some help in these threads and it goes to show that nothing is cut and dry. But you do the best you can with what you have. What works for one may not for another, but I do know that obsessing about what he's doing or not doing will drive you to insanity. Focussing on yourself instead of agonizing about how to communicate with him is the best way for you to come to peace with yourself. It takes time and it's hard to leave that headspace, especially after it's been your reality for so long. It's like changing a habit - they say you gotta do it consistently for a good period of time to feel comfortable with any change.
Chris, he is back in AA now, a lot more seriously than he had been the first time. From the things he says (which I don't ask further on I just stop him with a 'that's good' or 'good for you' and drop it) he is starting to learn from the guys. Not sure it's for real because it's still very new, but at least better than it was a few weeks ago.