CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie
Page 62 - 63 (on detachment)
First, let's discuss what detachment isn't. Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, desparing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to and totally unaffected by people and problems....... Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do, for the moment.
Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other peple's responsbilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. WE strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. The we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happily--focusing heroicaly on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.
Wow. As I read this again, I realized how I have washed IN and OUT of healthy detachment. The obsession that goes along with codependent behavior has affected everyone around me......NOT just my AS. My dear supportive husband, my beautiful intelligent daughter, my loving mother, my employees, all of the people who care about or LOVE ME are hurt by my obsessive concern with my addicted son. And what a conflict.......as a codependent I don't want to hurt other people!
Today I am going to (again) practice healthy detachment. And I'll do that EVERYDAY. I can do it because I have done it in the past. I need to focus on living MY life to the best of my ability everyday.
gentle hugs