Lotus2009

So, against my own advice, I went out with AH 2 nights ago. I left him in April and we haven't had much contact. He recently told me he's started treatment and claims to have been sober 20 days (not much, but if it's true it's longer than I've ever seen him sober). It was good to see him... we went to the movies and afterwards I ended up going over to his new apt... AND spent the night (pg version only). He seems like he might be on the right path, he's been writing in the journal I gave him years ago, and according to him has been attending aa and group therapy. He said things like: "I know I've destroyed a lot and I hope that I/ we can fix it, but let's not rush into this, first I need to find myself again". He was very attentive, caring, not pushy, and most of all SOBER! Like I said it was good to see him, good to see that I don't need to go in full blown anxiety mode anymore when I hear his name or see him. I'm still in love with him. BUT I keep telling myself to keep my distance, to wait it out, to be CAUTIOUS! Easier said than done... I miss him more than ever... want to be with him... want my fairytale life... want, want, want!!! This sucks... it's like an alcoholic who took a sip of beer and now can't stop thinking about how it tasted and made him feel. It's insane! There's so much damage that has been done, that I'm not even sure we'd be able to fix, if he truly was to stay sober, yet all I want is to be with him. Ufff, I gotta get back to where I was a few weeks ago... gotta try to stay busy, gotta try to stay away from him... gotta let him do his thing and then MAYBE at some point we can see if we can find each other again. It's just so damn hard!

Breathe... ok so tomorrow I'm gonna get up early, do some yoga, then do some shopping and then go into work for only 2 hours... I will have a wonderful day and will not think about AH! (positive self-talk)...