qwe

Hi all,

I was here for a while a while ago. I disappeared, but need your advice and perspective now and hope you will welcome me back.

Brief story: Married almost 23 years, husband diagnosed as profoundly alcoholic at 22 yrs marriage (last August). Two kids, aged 9 & 13 (girls). He tried to quit, relapsed several times, but either significantly reduced or actually stopped drinking. However, he took up smoking like a chimney (something I had said even before we were married I'd never be able to live with), and his attitude never changed. His last relapse that I knew about was Jan 27 when he passed out while cooking dinner & pots were left on the stove to burn dry.

I called the divorce last April; he moved out early May. He very quickly made friends with separated woman w/3kids 2 doors down in his townhouse complex. Families melded very quickly (my kids visit); they play family instantly. Things moving very very fast. Last week they (adults) holidayed in Ireland and he proposed and she accepted. The front-page photo in our local paper & the youtube videos he uploaded show that he's drinking.

She had lied to her kids & husband about where she was going (work) so when she arrived back engaged to a guy her kids didn't like things did not go well. There was something that happened, cops were called, and her hubby left w/kids.

Her hubby made contact with me and I met with him last night. I told him of the alcoholism history; he spoke with his kids and called me to tell me that my hubby is drinking regularly. Initially not when my girls were there but now that is even happening and he is hiding the drinking.

He has a history of hiding his drinking really well (his diagnosis blew me out of the water, given all the "one-glass-of-wine" dinner we had - I was likely dumb & blind). Once I knew and did some research I know he used to drink in the afternoon and then pick up the girls from after-school care and bring them home. And, his "falling asleep" and almost impossible to wake was a normal event at our house.

Here is my question. What do I do? Do I prevent him from seeing the girls unsupervised at his house and open that hornet's nest? It will likely get ugly. I have this next week to figure things out as my kids are at camp, but once they are back they are supposed to go to their dad's for 3 1/2 days so I need to decide what my stand is before then. The girls are old enough to speak for themselves if they feel unsafe, but if he's hiding his drinking they are unlikely to understand and feel that they might be unsafe even when they are. Plus, that smacks to me of putting them in the middle. So far, nothing has happened, but without this other "ex" telling me what has been going on I would not know even what I do. Things will clearly progress with alcoholics, so is is OK to pull the plug on a parent-child relationship when so far it is still without incident post-separation? I don't want to keep my kids from their dad, but also I don't want to pick up the pieces after something has happened.

... and I'm trying to evaluate this all without my consideration for how inappropriate this woman is for my kids.

I would appreciate it if you would apply your great experiences and insights to this and give me your thoughts on what you would do, or what other things I should be considering in making this decision? My husband and I do not communicate except by email, and even that is primarily one way from me to him. He hardly ever replies so good conversation on an issue is difficult.

Thank you!