Marriage shouldn't have to be this hard. We shouldn't have to detach from our spouses, that's not a marriage.
I found detaching, the concept, the doing it, very hard, very confusing. It was a complete about-face in lots of things I had been taught.
However, we are detached from most people in that we do not allow their feelings or actions to rule our feelings and actions, nor do we take on responsibility for managing the course of their lives. and having come from intimate relationships where that was the norm, and it was miserable, I hope to be able to carry a healthy detachment into my future relationships, those of acquaintances, family, friends and partners. A healthy detachment where if my partner has had a bad day at work, I can listen to them, give them a hug if they want one and then not be spun into a whirlwind of pointless worry and futile action, telling them what to do, how to feel, trying to solve, solve, solve, where they do not blame me for their bad day and choices, where I do not seek to cure it imediately, riding rough-shod over their problem-solving and emotional skills, and where I do not beleive that caring has to be demonstarated by making their pain my own (effectively doubling it).
so I do think it has a place in good, healthy realtionships.
with an alcoholic: saying anything to my stbx AH never once, EVER, changed a thing. I thought somehow, if he wasn't changing stuff in response to my words that was because I hadn't explained it in a way that got through to him, so I'd try another approach. I tried all approaches (Thomas Eddison quote from summerpeaches thread applies here!). I didn't tell him anything he didn't already know, and he was incapable of hearing anything from me.
I remember some one here saying long ago that detaching means letting go of the
outcome in this case letting go of whether he gets sober or not, because I was trying to detach whilst still trying to "help" him decide to become sober and that was a huge eye opener for me.
I never could perfect detachemnt whilst living in close proximity to an active (and in my case abusive) alcoholic, so I made the best of the choices available to me and left (....eventually) I am told that there are people who can detach whilst living with someone who is very chaotic and maintain happy, fullfilling, detached lives, but I'm not sure that I am capable of it, nor that I would want to remain in a relationship where that was tested on a daily basis.
Only you can make that decision for yourself.