Yes Fandy, I do think you're right. The heavier drinking only just started about last year, but I would average 1-2 drinks every night before that, and much more when I would go out. I do think my "health" in other areas of my life is almost like an excuse to keep drinking. My diet is almost perfect and like I said, I stay highly active. I'm a personal trainer - what a joke that is in some ways. I'm always advising others to take care of themselves, but then I go and drink for hours at night. Coupled with my age, I think I've been able to overlook the effects - at least until now. I do find myself having a hard time accepting that I really have a serious and actual problem. I mean I get it mentally, but I guess I just don't want to come to terms with this for real. That would mean never drinking again, which right now sounds impossible and not like something I fully WANT to commit to. Does that make sense? I went one month without a drink a while back (just to prove to myself that I could), and it only got worse once I started drinking again. I felt great in that month. Now drinking has stopped being as fun as it was, because right around my 2nd or 3rd drink, the guilt sets in. Then I drink more to cover that guilt. Then I wake up in the morning feeling so defeated and dumb, I workout for an hour or two to make myself feel better. By evening, I've convinced myself that I was overreacting and that I'll keep it to one drink for the night. After that one drink, I'll decide that I don't really feel anything, so one more can't possibly hurt. And so it continues.
I'm starting to see that whether I want to or not, I need to stop this. It's only getting worse. This is not who I want to be. It is a problem.