this brings up some interesting stuff for me.
do i feel loved? yes and no.
i admire RABF, despite many of his recent past behavior. i have known him for so long. i admire his mind and his quick wit.
at one point, we certainly had mutual respect. but that has very much suffered over the years, especially in the last year when the drug use was spiraling out of control.
physical attraction, which was not there in spades for me when we first got together (at age 19) has grown a lot for me over the years. i am really physically attracted to him now. (what can i say? his looks got a lot better with age, and he has great hair--something not a lot of guys have!)
do i feel loved though? yes, i feel loved because of all the things he SAYS. some of the things he does.
do i feel loved though? no, a lot of times i can't feel loved. i don't feel i get a lot of understanding and there are so many things that are promised but not delivered on.
i read some sticky here somewhere about confusing empathy with love. that one seemed to have a ring of truth to it for me.
but where does this leave me?
in many ways, i feel like he's just approaching what it could mean for us to really have a relationship. that is exciting to me. i mean, if he's actually sober right now. . . he hasn't been that way, well, EVER.
i've touched on this before but. . in our past, in our beginning. . he was very kind to me. i was failing out of college, i was very sad & lonely. he really gave me a lot of confidence to go out and do the things i wanted to do. . . like start acting again--- and then i decided to go to grad school and got in! yes, i did a lot of that on my own. but i can't deny he was a constant support to me.
i desperately want to return that favor. what he went through with me meant a whole lot to me, and i am really grateful he came into my life. even now, with all of this. . . it helped get me here to SR and to Al-Anon, where i have the opportunity to really examine my dysfunction. such a great gift.
my brain can accept that time apart is a gift for both of us. . . but my heart cannot. or maybe it's a combo of my heart and brain. . . i simply feel guilty. and that i'm not a "good" person. btw, i am an adult child of dry drunks (whose parents, my grandparent, were active, abusive alcoholics), so beyond RABF there's all the stuff that goes along with that that affects my thought patterns. sigh. .. feeling a tad overwhelmed.