Codependency, like addiction, is a cunning and baffling disease. It takes a lot of work to recover and stop trying to save people from themselves. And it isn't easy to change. It's uncomfortable at times.
Oh my lord, isn't it? I mean, I can see it in this instance. . . I can. It's just he makes me feel so NEEDED! Wow. . it's crazy how much I like that and still think I can help. But of course, isn't that why we form relationships at all? For love and support and mutual growth? I have to admit, it confuses me - which is why I post here- in attempt to keep myself honest.
Are you working the steps at Alanon with a sponsor? Work the program you wish he'd work. Lead by example.
This is a thorn in my side lately. I would LOVE a sponsor! I put it out there in meetings a few times, but no bites. . . they do hand out lists of people who are willing to sponsor, but there aren't many names, and unless those people talk at the meetings, I have no clue who they are. I don't feel right just calling them up on the phone having no idea who they are or what they're about.
I am trying to take it easy with the sponsor thing, but I really, really would like one and sometimes I get a little down that I haven't found someone. Then I start in my disease, wondering if I'm just not good enough, too different, no one would want to help me, etc.
It is not wrong to suggest Alanon, but I do think it is wrong to set up how many meetings. What one person gets out of six meetings can be quite different for another person. I dont think setting five months is realistic either as in reality it takes so much longer.
I only came at the number 6 because that's the number they say you should try before deciding if Al-Anon is right for you.
Five months seems long to me right now! I know maybe it's a blip in the grand scheme of things, but it just looms at me at the moment.
Another thing. . oh god, I don't even want to say it. But I will. He says he understands if I need the time, that he won't be mad, that I deserve to work on myself and get healthy. Then he said that if we don't talk, he might get so depressed he will slip! F*CK. I know that's incredibly manipulative. . .but the thing is, I TRULY DON'T THINK he's trying to be manipulative. I think he is scared sh*tless.
And I do have perhaps a bit of an over-exaggerated sense of the power I hold regarding his life. First of all, because all our friends say that I do and second of all, he really would not have gotten to rehab without all the time and energy I spent getting everyone on board for first an intervention and then in holding firm after the intervention failed in not talking to him unless he got help.
After he got out of rehab, he was really grateful and expressed that. And still does.
Is there any way for me to not abandon him without getting totally codie? I certainly was deep in it with getting him to rehab and the intervention.
Or is the sad fact of things that we are just unhealthy for each other. . .