Supportive or Manipulative? Need Advice
So I've been on here a lot today, dolin' out the advice and love if I can without trying to seem like I know it all, cause I sure don't.
As some of you may recall, I'm trying to figure out the relationship I'm going to have with my RABF, only 1 month out of rehab for pain pills. We are long distance.
My therapist and I agree I need time apart from him. We set the goal at 5 months. But it seems unrealistic at the moment. I couldn't just say that to him today and mean it.
We have definitely had less contact in the past week.
I spoke with him yesterday. He is very depressed and having a hard time in his AA meetings. He feels abandoned by his friends at home. He's ashamed of what his life has become. He says that his frustration in AA is that he feels surrounded by people who talk a lot about their old drinking and drugging days, but nothing about the things that underlie the drinking and drugging. I guess he is not hearing a lot of ESH.
He says that he wants to understand WHY he drinks and uses drugs. He admits he needs total sobriety, so he is understandably frustrated that he is only hearing "Stay Sober" and nothing like what I seem to be getting out of Al-Anon.
He grew up with adult children of alcoholic as his parents, so he is definitely a good Al-Anon candidate, and I know that many AA people also go to Al-Anon. My RABF says he wishes he had something like Al-Anon, and I told him he should check it out. I think he is scared of adding another program right now, and feeling overwhelmed, almost worrying he wouldn't belong there. It's really hard to explain Al-Anon to people who aren't in program; at least for me.
So. . . my question is this: in a voicemail yesterday, he said that he would do anything to have a shot at staying in my life. Anything! Kind of dramatic, but that's what he said.
I believe he would get a lot out of Al-Anon, and I would like to encourage him to go. Is it really manipulative of me to ask him to try the suggested 6 meetings as the "anything" he would do?
Or is there a better way to help? I don't want to get caught up in his recovery and I don't want to be acting as his sponsor. He just seems very lost and I know he is trying for sobriety, but his depression is back and he wants to deal with his feelings -- just doesn't know how/feels like no one understands.
Please respond with thoughts that take the nuances of things into consideration. I am working hard and honestly to figure out the boundaries I am going to set with him.