This hits home for me. The most innocent of all, our children, who will be forever affected and changed because of their parents' choices (both the A's and the A's partner). Please don't be so hard on yourself, though! You are trying to figure out your situation and what you must do for yourself and for your children. I have found reading the posts of others on this forum most helpful in struggling with my own situation.
I was only able to muster up the courage to leave my AH because of my daughter after 14 years together. (I am not saying you should or should not leave your AH. You will have to decide what is best for you.) I didn't want my child to grow up in a home where there was active addiction/alcoholism. At the time I finally left, I felt that even if my husband went into recovery, it's too late. I wanted to work on being the loving mother I always wanted to have/be-- a mother who focused my attention on my child, not on my AH or his addictions. Having my AH under the same roof made it impossible (it felt) for me to be the kind of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be an example of a happy, healthy successful, hopeful, positive person that my daughter could emulate. I was becoming a person/mother I didn't want to be (angry, resentful)! My daughter was 3 and a half. I wish I had the courage to leave sooner (for me, for my daughter and for my AH).
Children are sponges. They are absorbing everything in their environment, their parents' facial expressions, tone of voice, silence, demeanor --EVERYTHING! No matter how much we might think we are keeping them protected, they are being impacted.
As the daughter of an alcoholic as well, I still hurt when I think of being dragged into my parents' drama. It's not their fault, but I see how much growing up in that environment, in an alcoholic family, has forever affected me and the choices I have made in the past. I want to be an example for my daughter to make different choices than my parents and different choices than the ones I made pre-recovery.
My AH (now in recovery, as a result of my leaving) and I are slowly trying to reconcile. (SLOWLY). We each have our own healing/recovery to do. Part of my recovery is to remain separate from my husband (living arrangements). We date. We spend family time together. I am afraid of relapse but as part of my own recovery and healing, I can not focus on him and his addiction/recovery.
I wish you the best. I'm praying for you and your children. I am in no place to give advice. Just from my experience, I feel that kids should be able to be kids and worry/deal with kid stuff. . . alcohol addiction should not be part of their developmental landscape.
For now, I hope you will find strength to do what is best for you and your precious children.