I found this site about 6 months ago and have been reading posts regularly but haven't commented or started a thread...until today.
When I married my XAH 10 years ago I had wondered about the fact that he drank every day and even discussed it with him, but for whatever reason allowed myself to be convinced it wasn't really a big deal. He never missed work...it didn't make him loud or obnoxious...he always seemed totally fine and completely in control. Plus, red wine was "good" for him - his doctor said so
. Anyway, I didn't know anything about it as I never grew up around it, so off we went.
As I now know alcoholism is a progressive disease, so fast forward several years. I had a son he adopted when we got married and we had a son together. My boys are now 16 and almost 7. His drinking got so bad near the end of our marriage that I actually thought there was something else wrong with him. He would tell me he hadn't been drinking and I believed him...only to find out he was lying. There were many issues by this point between him and our oldest son and things were escalating all the time. I decided to ask him to leave and we would go for counselling. I needed to get him out of the house...things were getting worse every day and more heated between him and our oldest who was then almost 13.
He moved out and we still talked....went to counselling a couple of times. Then I remember one day we were in my living room and he said he was worried that I might never let him move back unless he totally quit drinking. At that point I did say that was a real possibility...he decided that we wouldn't be able to make it work very shortly after that conversation and I agreed. I couldn't stand the thought of being intimate with him, so getting back together seemed fairly impossible.
In February of this year he finally admitted he had a problem. Called me...his ex-wife to ask for help, even though he had a girlfriend of 18 months. I was SO happy that he was finally seeing it...admitting it...I was right...I wasn't crazy...he would get help, get better and be a real father to the boys. He went to AA...took time off work to get help...started to trust him with the boys again...then BAM. I have to pick them up at 10am on a Sunday morning because he's totally loaded and about to take them in his car for lunch.
He got help again after that day. Went to AA...and worked another program once/week for 6 or 8 weeks. I had no trust left and made him sign a letter saying he wouldn't consume alcohol within 24 hours of seeing boys. Another letter saying he couldn't drive with the boys and that if they left my house it was only with the girlfriend and she was always there and always driving. I didn't want to keep the kids from him, but needed them safe. I've had to deal with him coming to my house to visit them once/week, so over the last few weeks I had suspicions again. I knew it wasn't worth engaging with him from reading on here and going to al-anon, but I was pretty sure he was hung over a couple times. The kids were safe though, so on we went.
This week he emailed me that he was home with the flu. Yesterday was day 3 of this "flu" so I was suspicious. We were emailing about a visit he kept rescheduling because of this flu, but ended up talking on the phone. I knew instantly that he was drunk...although he didn't totally admit it - he also knew that I knew. I shouldn't have...but I texted his gf to tell her he was at home drinking instead of being at work. She stopped in on him...found out...so now he admits it. But, only this week...it's the first time. NOT!
Anyway, I started to let myself get pulled into all this again and know I need to stop. I am going to go no contact, which I've never actually done with him. I will need to send an email to him spelling out my plans for future visits with the boys...or maybe I just wait for his contact? This is what I'm most unclear about. How do I go no contact when he has a legal right to see the kids? I have primary care and control but he's allowed visits twice weekly. Any suggestions? I would appreciate it.
So sorry it took so long. Just felt like sharing my story....finally. Thanks for reading (for those of you who made it through)