Hi Cat Country. Welcome to SR.
You might ask yourself to define your boundaries in a dating relationship, and then ask yourself if you see any of those boundaries being compromised. Ask yourself what YOU are getting out of the relationship, and what part of YOU might be lost if you continue to see this man.
I have learned since I came to SR that I have healthy boundaries with everyone in my life except when it comes to men who drink/drug/cheat. I compromise who I am and let the boundaries crumble. I turn into a pleaser for fear of losing that guy who "loves me more than anything". My boundaries start falling into the "collapsed" category. When I find a nice guy, I get scared, and my boundaries start falling into the "rigid" category.
I, too, have had relationships where the guy opens up immediately and shares all kinds of past history, deep feelings, hurts, and woes. My recent XABF did this with me and drew me in right away with his "honesty" about his past, and his openess and sincerity. Turns out there were some incredibly important things he didn't share with me...the frequency and intensity of his drinking...and his marijuana use. Turned out he is addicted to marijuana and alcohol. But he had me hooked and in love with him before the real him appeared.
Are you willing to commit to a guy who is a heavy drinker, has a penchant for "gentlemen's clubs" and bartenders/patrons boobs (this is probably only the surface of what is really on his list of likes, whether he is drinking or not), and a history of trouble created by drinking? If so, then he's your guy. If not, then you already know what you need to do. Please just don't compromise who YOU are for this guy.
Here is the awesome list of boundaries that Learn2Live posted a while ago. Like I said, they have become my personal checklist for deciding whether I will pursue a relationship. I have vowed to never "lose myself" again. I wish you the very best, and I'm glad you're here.
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
COLLAPSED BOUNDARIES
• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
• Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
• You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
• You take on other’s problems as your own.
• You share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• Your wants, needs and feelings are secondary to others’ and are sometimes determined by others.
• You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
• You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your relationships to create that for you.
• You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
• You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas more than you do your own.
• You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
• You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or to avoid conflict.
RIGID BOUNDARIES
• You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
• You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)
• You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
• You rarely share personal information.
• You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
• You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and virtually no shared social life.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.