I am working, guys. I feel freedom slowly coming, like it's seeping into me.
Decide every once in awhile to read old posts, and this one I have come back to several times.
I wanted to update a tiny bit:
N.L.I. and I are able dialogue about my "need" to look into the future, and to project, and my tendency to overthink. Right now we both know that my job is to let go of outcomes. My spiritual growth depends on it. He said "let me be your beta test on this. Personally, Romantically, Sexually - the whole nine yards".
I made a goal at the beginning of the summer, to finish my 4th step by end of August. In two days I go on a family camping trip - the thing I look most forward to every year. I am bringing the Al-anon 4th Step Workbook and forcing myself to make good on my promise to myself. I'm afraid and excited.
It has been over six weeks since the first date with N.L.I. Not a lot of time, but in that time I have seen a little spot of crabby, a bit of stress periodically - all good things to observe in a potential partner/friend. But most importantly, a history has begun. Two times a date involved meeting other people - important people (in my life) had been scheduled. Both times I was nervous that he would bail. The morning of the second one, an important family wedding, I did not receive a reply to a "good morning" text message. Sometimes texts don't get received. So after a few hours, I made a phone call. Left a message. Just said, "wondering how you're doing today". After two hours I am not quite panicking yet, but getting somewhat sure that there's something wrong and he will let me down....not only will he not come to the wedding, but maybe he won't even tell me he's not coming. FINALLY, I get a call. He had met an out-of-town relative, then golfed 18 holes. Ugh. Me. Dumb again. He said, "you didn't sound so great in the message you left; you ok?"
But here is the point:
as we build this history, each time that he follows through, each period of hours, days or weeks that he has done what he says he'll do, and has not disappeared on me, trust is building. I know that I have a ways to go - as anyone who doesn't know someone really well has - until complete trust is established.
But I am now pretty sure that what I suspected at the time of the original post - that my reaction is really all about what had been done to me in the past - is true. It feels crappy because someone's treatment of me has done this to me, but it also feels good to know that it's NOT because I have this really great radar that's telling me this man is also a selfish jerk addict.
It's like shrapnel. Still in there. Still hurts. Still causing trouble.