lulu1974

Hello SR..

I have been dealing with some anger and sadness since last week. This seems to be becoming a pattern for me and I am getting nervous why all these feelings are resurfacing.

I want to know why this happened to me.
I want to know why someone who I thought loved me and was always good to me has disrespected me, insulted me and hurt me so much it was crippling.
I want to know how after surviving an A Father and physical abuse and an absent mother and all my childhood pain I have to go thru something like this.
I want to know why I feel so hurt these days that I cant even talk to my parents anymore because talking to them brings up past feelings.
I want to know why my sister who I have always been there for has abandoned me like I dont even exist when I need her most.
I want to know why I have these sh*tty people in my life and why do I attract them?
I want to know why I cant just move on and be happy.

I am just exhausted. I try and try and then feelings hit me from nowhere. It kills me that my stbxah for the first time in 10 years had called me the C word when I didnt deserve it.
It kills me the pity my extended family has for me thinking my life is over and its too late for me to have kids or it will be soon.
It kills me to think no one (men) wants me once they get to know me.
I cant find a darned hobby. I go to work, have friends, read and that is me. I like to do home improvement I guess.
I want more energy to go to Alanon meetings. I feel so disappointed I cant seem to make any. And maybe I feel if I go back the emotion will get so intense I will burst and they will need to carry me out on a stretcher.

I just want to know why I invested 8 years in someone who did despicable things to me. I want to know why I ignored the red flags.

I just want to be happy. I dont want all these feelings anymore. I want to close the blinds, disconnect the phone and live in a cocoon so these people cant hurt me anymore. So many people I trusted and they all hurt me in the end. Why.