Originally Posted by
HealingWillCome 
My boundaries with my daughters are healthy. And with every other kind of primary relationship I have...except men.
My boundaries collapse when I let myself fall for someone like my AF who left my mom and 4 children for another woman. The two men I have loved the most in my life (XAH and XABF) pursued me like crazy. Made me think I was special and a princess like my dad never did. My subconscious said "Latch on! You can be healed from your abandonment wounds by your dad!" However, they were both addicts and non-committers. They both suffer from their own abandonment. Even though I left my XABF, I still feel abandoned because he could never fully commit to me. The drugs/alcohol/flirting with other women were powerful even though he still swears he is trying/wants to give them up.
My problem when I have good, really good, amazing, decent, kind, loving real men in my life is that my boundaries then become rigid. I push them away. If you read what I posted about abandonoholics, I do exactly what it says there. I become afraid of other's emotional expectations of me. I shut down, I lose my chemistry with that person, I decide they "are not the one". I push them away and I break up with them.
I'm working through it, it can be done!!!! I am determined to get there and find the happiness that I know is out there!
So when this thread started I read about the boundaries and thought, what ever, I have some of each. Wasn't particularly interested.
But then I noticed 77 or so responses.......better have a second look. Some where along the line the boundaries thread morphed into this abandonment thing, which is gold.
My dad left when I was 2 and I only saw him a handful of times over the years, and I know I was better off with out his binge drinking, mean drunk, controlling, over bearing presence. I look back over my life and literally every person/thing I've ever cared about has abandoned me. Many through death, but it counts.
In HWC's post, switch "men" for "women" and there's my relationship history.
I feel myself doing it here and in Alanon, I even withdrew from my sponsor for feelings of getting too close (a guy). "Nice" girls don't interest me, what could be more boring, not to be on a wild emotional rollercoaster.
And what about LMC with her mom choosing a bottle over her? She's smart and plenty old enough now to figure that out. We'll be on a toy shopping spree for her at Target, where she'll sometimes spend an hour deciding what to spend her allowance on.
I'll often tell her I'm gonna go to a different dept too look and if she can't immediately find me I see the panic in her eyes. I've told her time and again, not to worry I wouldn't just "forget" I have a kid and leave with out her. But it doesn't matter.
I don't want to have this anymore and I don't want her to have it, damnit.
Oh, and I've got that gruff thing going for me. Poor LMC, she'll be putting some therapist's kid through college.
Gotta go, I've got that abandonment book pulled up on amazon, $7.47, shipped. Maybe I'll read it to LMC before school starts.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. This is big ya'll.