Big bear hug, Transform. Take a deep breath and bask in the wonder of your amazing kids!
Please stop beating yourself up. You are not an idiot.
Originally Posted by
transformyself 
I am SO ready to be free of this madness. I am SO ready to NOT buy into his insanity any more and get on with my life. That guy can only offer me confusion, pain and anger. Period. I don't care what the packaging looks like
I absolutely loved it when I reached this realization about my STBXAH and when it finally sunk in that it was possible that I could be
free of him! Hurray for you!
In case it's helpful: I got over the thoughts of how gorgeous my STBX was (was being the operable word here) by remembering his face as he yelled and yelled and yelled at our amazing little boy when he was learning to stand up and walk for knocking over the drinks that he was hiding on the floor by the couch, by remembering what he looked like as he yelled down in my face that I was a frigid b----, by remembering how he looked and smelled after a few solid days of knocking back the beer and vodka and chasing it with milk because the vodka was giving him hearburn or a stomach ache. (Ewwww) There's more, but I won't bore you.
I hope your able to enjoy the remainder of your birthday.:day1