celticghirl... Big hug to you.
You CAN do this! You found the courage to find us here... and told us about your story....
you already have the courage to find help... you just need to take another tiny baby step....
Getting where we want and need to be is only a series of small steps... one right after the other (preferably in the correct and healthy direction) and before we know it.... we're so much farther along than we would or could have ever imagined.... that's what worked for me.
I agree with what everyone here has already posted.... so there isn't much more that I can add except my support.... and to reiterate...
#1) get to a safe place
#2) and ditch this very sick person who "made" you take an oath to him.... yet gives not one lil thought as to how he treats you... or hurts you. (repeatedly)
I found the following thread started by Learn2Live very helpful.... maybe you will too.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-you-have.html
#3) Take care of YOU
#4) Keep us posted on how you're doing and how you're feeling.
#5) This is your life only YOU can make it better.
:ghug3