i also agree with anna and carol... i to hated who i had become... and after a relapse... i do think i did learn more about me... sometimes not seeing what it was till some time after the relapse tho.....
after years of this addiction... i have really become to hate myself more and more... cause when i relapsed this last time... i cant explain why....other then depression... stress.. ect ect
it no longer is to feel good... its only to exscape.... i never get the feel good high (ever) so of course after.... i always ask myself why i could not get threw that (issue) with out them pills... then when going threw withdraws... that is what kept me using... only to not get sick.... its a sick circle
and now for the 1st time in my life... after many attempts of getting and staying clean...i relize i cant just get and remain clean...inless i also change... there is so much about me and my life i need to learn and change.... i want this more then anything i have ever wanted before.....
i guess the fear of the unknown is what kept me from going for it... will people like the new me... will i like myself.... omg i can go on and on of questions i asked myself....and the answer was always so simple.... usally is... its just i always made it difficult... like most things in my life....
i will be what ever i want to be... so of course i will like myself...i can and will be what i make it to be.....
i no i am still early in this... being i am going to a 28 day program monday (tomorrow) and then i am going on to a year program (inpatient) which i 100% know that is what i need and best for me....
but for the 1st time threw out my 10, 11 year off and on..(more on then off addiction) i cant wait to get started and start this new path... of course i no its going to be hard as hell... and at times i will want to quit... and it will hurt....but thats not happening anymore....
its kinda like being born again... learing to crawl.... walk.... talk...ect...ect
point is that yes i also have learned from each relapse... or i would nevr feel like i do today... it took all this time and falls for me to want this... for me this time... and not for all my loved ones... kids...boyfriend..ect ect
so good luck hun and right down what ever you feel from these times... it helped me to look back at them things
Jen