Hello there niece, and welcome to SR
Originally Posted by
Niece 
.... The entire family is looking to me because I went to rehab as a teenager and worked the 12 steps really hard for 5 years - then got married, moved away, had kids, and have stayed sober and healthy without meetings (sober almost 16 years now). I even worked in a drug rehab center from age 18-20, but I'm almost 32 and that seems like another lifetime ago.....
Good for you. That is awesome that you changed your life around, very well done.
One of the "rules" of being a health care provider is that you can _not_ treat your own family. Like you said, it's been a lifetime ago so you probably forgot that little gem. What you _can_ do is show your family _where_ they can go for help. Al-anon being the first choice.
Originally Posted by
Niece ....I know that *right now* he needs support, but I don't want the short term support to turn into long term codependence. ....
exactly right.
Originally Posted by
Niece .... When should we (his family, his wife, everyone) let go?....
There's a difference between "letting go" and "giving up".
Letting go is what happens when the Serenity Prayer results in actions I take in my life. Sometimes there are actions I can take to help another, and sometimes I have to let go and allow that person to help themselves.
Originally Posted by
Niece .... Help me to know when to help and not help my uncle!....
The general rule is "if they can do it for themselves, let them". If you uncle has trouble getting out of bed, you can help him get up. If he can't drive to a meeting, you can let him pick up the phone and call the list of phone numbers he will get at the rehab and ask for another AA to take him to a meet.
If he starts talking about suicide you pick up the phone and call his doctor. If he starts talking about maybe getting a sponsor you say "what a great idea, I think I'll look for one in al-anon for me".
Am I making sense with all that?
Mike