Thank you all so much! I love the support here and always appreciate it : )
First, he is definitely not married. We spend most of our time at his house. There are no mysterious trips out of town or anything. If that was the case, I would have run long ago. Second, he disclosed business with his ex on the second or third date because he wanted to make sure it was not an issue. It was not until I realized she did not know I existed. It's not even so much her, but his family. It makes for an odd exchange when he leaves to meet them when they are in town and I am not invited. It hurts for the reasons I described above.
The thing is that he meets my needs in all other areas. I really love being with him. he is very supportive of everything I do and great to brainstorm things tat come up with. He is really wonderful in many respects. I just can't take the silent treatment and break ups. I think the more emotionally involved I allow
myself to get, the worse my anxiety gets about stuff. I think that's normal given my past. But how to deal with it is the issue.
My therapist tells me to check in with myself often so I am not going off the rails and denying my own needs. I have been doing that and all I keep thinking is that I deserve someone that will stay even when I am not perfect. I can't change him, so all I canhope for at this point, assuming we speak again, is that he wiil understand where I am at. I know I can't keep going through the roller coaster break up stuff.
The other thing is, despite having not met his family, the level of committment is fine with me. We have talked about marriage at a basic level. We have the same ideas, so I'm not in a hurry to get married, but maybe I'm sending the signal that I am and he's freaking out. Who knows.
As for my gut...it's usually pretty good and I have learned to deferentiate between the irrational thoughts and gut feeling. Nothing is telling me to run. I could be totally wrong. Time will tell.
For today, I'm going to try to breathe and keep myself on the rails.