Vaya - You have to make decisions that you can live with. Nobody is going to TELL you what to do (well, they might but they shouldn't). This is your family, your home, your life. YOU decide.
Our job here is to share our experience, strength and hope. I'll share my experience with you because you sound about where I was mentally about a year ago.
We found my son was doing drugs while he was in high school. Our #1 priority was to get him graduated and we did that and he seemed pretty stable thru his senior year. He actually made honor roll for the 1st time ever. Odd. He had a summer job but other than that he had no responsibilities. He had a car, gas and insurance -- all paid for by mom and dad. His money was his own to spend. Guess what he spent it on? But still it looked to us like he was "just" smoking marijuana and he wasn't in trouble otherwise, so we let it slide. (Mistake #1) The month he started at community college and turned 18, he was arrested for spraying graffiti, on a Tuesday afternoon when he should have been in class. We bailed him out of jail (Mistake #2) and paid for a lawyer to get him off the hook as best he could (Mistake #3). He ended up basically flunking out of his first semester, but we gave him a good scolding <rolleyes> and signed him up for a second semester (Mistake #4). Keep in mind that we did this for the same reasons you want to keep your son afloat.... we kept hoping that a magic fairy would sprinkle dust on him that would suddenly make him "do something constructive and productive with his life and take responsibility for himself. " (mistake #5) Looking back on it, this is almost laughable at how naive we were. The only consequences he ever faced for acting like an idiot was "a good scolding". (Mistake #6) Oh brother!!
Anyway, he of course flunked out of his second semester then wrecked his car. This is when we shipped him off to rehab. Again we thought the magic fairy ...the one we just paid $30,000...was going to make him whole and well. (Mistake #7) And she did! ...for about 2 days. He talked us into coming back home instead of going to sober living (Mistake #8) in another town by promising to attend meetings, get a job, save some money, BLAH BLAH BLAH. After rehab he was right back where he left off within a couple of weeks. So off to sober housing he went.... except that mommy was paying the rent, buying his food and paying for his gas and insurance! (Mistake #9) WTH was I thinking??!
Long, long story short....many more mistakes...and one year later (now) he has made -ZERO- progress in any meaningful way. In fact, because he is just now facing any real consequences, he seems to be sliding backwards... he has no idea how to cope other than to manipulate and do more drugs and he's 20 years old.
Yes, you can decide to go easy on him, give him the benefit of the doubt, "make him" get a job and act responsibly, but there's about a 95% chance that he won't do any of those things. And chances are that you'll jack around like this for another year or two and you'll be in this very same position, only much poorer, a lot more crazy, and your son will be just that more enmeshed in the world of addiction. I think the other parents will back me up on this...but yeah, you can go easy on him but in a year or two you will wish you had followed the standard advice given here and in most recovery communities.
But, hey, it's your life. You do what you want with it. We'll be here for you no matter what you decide and that's a fact you can count on.