Those emails you posted make me cringe. They are painful to read and I don't even know you or him! I think you must miss the idea of him. Not the real him. Because why would you miss a sociopathic abuser?
You seem lonely. I'm sorry. I don't know how I would fill the time. But I don't think I'd fill it by reflecting on our dysfunctional relationship. That would make me feel sad. It just seems like those memories would be so hurtful.
But you gotta do what you gotta do.
Keep on truckin'!