this sucks
After a mutual ultimatum to stop her drinking, I left GF 5 weeks ago when she started again. Night after I broke, next morning (8am) I go to pick up my stuff (I lived there) she's having sex with this so called "jerk" that was always "hitting" on her. This was 5 weeks ago. I was so hurt I went to Ark to see sister and parents from Wa. state. I have been going to alanon, I will go back home next week to small town in Wa. I know I'll bump into them both, I am so hurt and angry about this, I know she was seeing him before probably, because earlier in our relationship she would accuse me of infidelities out of left field, and I just thought she was insecure, now I think she was the one doing it. Looking back too many events shed a differant light. How does one do that?, hopping right into the sack with another, I need time to figure out what went on in the relationship.
I think I did the right thing in leaving, because she is verbally abusive, tries to draw me into physical abuse, and does some strange stuff when she's drinking. She constantly flirted and waived right in front of me, even when she was sober, although she claimed she was just being "friendly". Guys would drive by and stop to "talk" to her. I would always give her the benefit of the doubt, I trusted her ; WRONG.
I have not contacted her, I thought she would me by now since that was our usual pattern after a fight, she would apologize, and we would make up.
I fell hard for her "sweet" side, when she's at work everybody loves her, as I did. But Mr. Hyde comes out violently when she's drinking. She quit drinking with a mutual agreement I would leave if she started again. She was sweet for 4 weeks, then slowly she became more beligerant, and started drawing fights, which she has a curious way of turning the blame around to me. In fact I believe she wanted me to brake it off cause she already had this other guy in the wings, who by the way drinks too. I still can't believe she was with him in bed.
The insane thing is I want her to call and ask for me to come back like before, but I know I could never trust a word she said again (this is confusing, I love and hate her at the same time!) She was so sincere, caring and sensitive when she was "sweet", we talked of a future together, but she has this other crude side that has no conscience or something. I am so hurt, betrayed and ANGRY about this I don't know what or who I'm angry at, god, her me?? I have mixed feelings, I want her to hurt as much as I am, she seems to be having her carefree fun. Then I want to let it go, forgive her, forget it and move on, some days are better now, but the obsession comes back with a vengence . I am trying to focus on me, but obviously I have to somehow get rid of this hate and resentment. I've got to quit wanting to punish her, that's god's job if he/she so chooses.
thanks for this forum, I couldn't explain like this anywhere else,
please advise.