Don't know why.. but reading old emails between him and I... not so much as to feel 'sad'... kind of to remind myself why he's not good for me. Not sure of my motives, but this stuck out to me..
"I don’t want to smoke and drink and be lazy B. I’m mourning over the loss of you, and it’s all I CAN bring myself to do. I don’t intend on keeping it this way. I want to become the Jenny I want to be. I strive for health, and I will get it back. I felt like that isn’t something you wanted. How would we have ever seen eye to eye? You’re right. I tried to change you. I didn’t want a smoker, a drinker, a pill popper. Nonetheless, I LOVED YOU. I loved {B}, that I was willing to look past those things."
I wrote that to him back in March.. in a series of emails. After reading over them.. I saw how he again never addressed the pain he caused me. It was all ME ME ME ME.. where as I was constantly apologizing for hurting him.
I'm really excited to see that I had my mind set on what I wanted.. and three months later, I'm actually making it happen. It just feels GOOD! I knew when I was with him it would never work... but, I held on for so long. This is so painful - but, I'm so happy it turned out this way. I truly am.. becoming genuinely happy.
*just posting this for my own reminder... to reflect back on.