Taking the plunge
I've been lurking here since September after a dinnertime rant from AH that finally jerked me out of my denial. We've been married 18 years and have two incredible boys, ages 7 and 12.
The SR community has taught me so much. I'm amazed at how I've seen so many of you grow and take back your lives. I want to do the same.
I've accepted that AH will drink no matter what I or anyone else says, does, or feels. His choice. He's at the functional stage, with 35 years of heavy drinking under his belt. I don't expect the functional stage to last forever. I know I can't stay with him forever. I'm not quite ready to leave yet.
I've been taking small steps to improve my well-being. I avoid him when he starts to drink, I don't count the cans and wine bottles, I don't nag. When necessary, I talk to him about specific issues related to his drinking without caring that he will quack. I do things with the boys for fun. I exercise, garden, and I have a good job that I try to do well. I have my own bank accounts and credit cards.
Detached? Yes. With love? Not so much. I am more emotionally connected to the cat than to AH.
There is still too much secrecy about how his drinking affects our lives, and that is impeding my progress. I don't know how to talk to the kids about AH's drinking. What's age-appropriate? How do I talk to them rationally without bashing AH?
Since September, he mostly saves his heavy drinking for after the kids and I are asleep. This means they don't see him passed out in his chair, which is good. But it also removes some of the teaching moments--like instead of saying that Dad is tired, I could truthfully tell the kids that he fell asleep at 7:30 because of the beer.
Tonight, I will attend my first meeting, though the thought terrifies me right now. I told AH I'm going, and I'll be open with the kids about it.
Wish me luck.