abcdefg

SoHurt,

I haven't been on this board in about 9 months but I logged in tonight because I'm having trouble sleeping. I was only planning to lurk. Then I saw your thread.

Soon it will be seven years since my 8-year-old died as a result of someone's disease. Sometimes I am okay now. Other times, like tonight, I can't sleep because I am haunted by regret or pain or anxiety. Sometimes it feels like it just happened, sometimes I can't believe how long its been since I last held her. Each year about a month before the anniversary, I start to get very shaky and I have to withdraw until the intensity passes. This is a huge improvement, however, since I cried every single day, all day long, for almost two years. I came very, very close to dying of heartbreak. There are no words to describe the horror of outliving my child.

I used to ask, "How do you bear the unbearable?"

Sometimes I think I still don't have an answer to that question. But seven years later, I am alive and I am loved.

I first went to Al-anon a few weeks after she was killed. It's not a grief group, and I needed that as well so I found one, but Al-anon definitely saved my life. I had no idea how to live and I didn't want to go on. In Al-anon, I learned things like One Day At A Time (which I had to turn into One Hour or One Minute because a whole day was impossible to deal with).

In working my steps with my sponsor, I learn to cope with my anger, my guilt, my anxiety. I say "learn" not "learned" because it's an ongoing process for me. I also get a tremendous amount of outside help from psychiatry and medication, grief therapy and related support groups.

In Al-anon meetings, I also learned to take what I liked and leave the rest -- I basically ignored anyone who tried to spew platitudes at me or suggest I just "keep busy" in order to "get over" it. I listened only to those people who had relevant experience, strength and hope. Through hundreds and hundreds of meetings, I have met many parents fearful for their children's lives -- whether because the child is using or exposed to someone who is using. For some, recovery comes and lives are saved and healed. For others, our worst fear becomes realized and our world is changed forever.

There are a lot of truly amazing people in this forum. They have helped me many, many times by sharing from their own lives on ALL kinds of matters. And if they can't relate to a specific issue or experience, they simply share their compassion. It's a wonderful resource.

The grief for my child never ends. It does ebb and flow now. At first, it was relentless and I was in complete despair. I had absolutely no hope. Now I find I can genuinely enjoy things, even feel sustained happiness. But it has been a long, long, long road. I loathe talking about it and yet I must express myself about it. Grief is a lonely business and grieving your child is hell on earth. But I have found that I am not alone in that lonely business, if that makes any sense. There are people who will hold my hand, give me a hug, sit with me, listen, whatever. I am so grateful for the people who accept my feelings and needs without trying to fix me. Anyone who steps up now to be that support for you is someone to lean on.

I'll be sending you prayers for comfort and self-care during this terrible time and I'm sending prayers of light and peace to your son.

abc