I'm not sure how "young" you think I am, but at 32, (or always 4 going on 40) I can still relate to your statement: "...and do not even try to compete with all the beautiful girls out there- no hope of that at my age." Once again, I don't think the problem of jealousy/insecurity really lies in our ability "to compete," but rather in how we feel about ourselves and our places in the world. But I never really had the physical jealousy issue for some reason. I got "hit on" much more than I cared for, and as a result learned to tone things down, not dress as I normally might, and of course to carry myself even more rigidly and unapproachably than I already had. After ten years of this, I now feel very unattractive, but it's ok. Life isn't about that.
Regardless. Yes, truth be told, I don't think my mother will be with us much longer. She has deteriorated so much and so rapidly over the last few years that she looks like a walking skeleton. She's only 52. My bf has brought this to my attention, and has also asked me what will happen to the rest of us when she goes. In other words, how will my dad, my younger brothers and I react. How much remorse might we have if we just let things go the way they're going until we wake up one day to find her dead. (BTW we do, in varying degrees talk about her alcoholism openly.) For a few brief moments, I had considered calling the brother with whom I still speak, one morning, and just telling him that she died of alcohol poisoning, or liver failure. He is still half in denial about how bad her drinking is. But of course we can't make her stop, and of course I wouldn't do that.
I'm glad that you realize that your life has not been wasted, and that you will try to be gentler on yourself.
Thank you as well for reminding me that I have indeed had a better life than my mother, and many more opportunities on every level than she had. (She is a first generation immigrant to the US, forced to come here through an arranged marriage to my biological father who is out of the picture.) While I recognize the tremendous hardship she has endured since she was a child, (another story for another time perhaps), my anger towards her is in part due to the fact that, well, ... so what?! Lots of people have hard lives. I've had it hard because of her. But I'm not allowed to drink myself into oblivion, hurt everybody, lose job after job, and spend my days lying on my back spitting up on myself, burning cigarette holes into everything in front of the tv. So yes. Lots of stuff for me to work through.
But thank you again. I think at least we're on the right path.