Seaglass, thank you for posting and for the thoughts. I wish i could say that I think it could be different, if I was ever in a relationship again. ( I am 58). My jealousy always felt so raw- fear and helplessness - did not like feeling vulnerable at all. but , maybe now that i am older, and do not even try to compete with all the beautiful girls out there- no hope of that at my age- maybe i could relax? Oh well, nuff of that.
I dont know why i have a positive attitude. I have been called Pollyanna , often. I try to believe, and see the best in people, but sometimes I get tired of doing that.
You are still quite young, and perhaps after time and circumstances affect your mother, you may find more sadness about her life. It sounds like you have a much better life than she has. You are kind, caring, and doing good things for yourself. She may not have hopes of ever experiencing the satisfaction of the higher things that you feel inside. No self discovery, no healthy growth. We have a chance to be happy, every day, cause we are learning how, and our lives made us determined to treat ourselves better.
I was angry at my mom, until she died. I held myself back from her, not giving her the closeness she wished for, at that late stage of the game. She was ill, and we were so used to her playing sick, that we did not believe her , when she really was. We had our laughs, and i hugged her goodbye when parting, but I never got over the cruelty of some things. I could not and will never be able to excuse them. But I have let it go. Just wish it had not happened. But it did, and it made me who I am- the good and bad of me. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, but for the most part, I am happy.
Thanks for saying that my life was not wasted- you are so right! It gave me some wonderful things. My children, and grandbabies now.
My son is struggling- I worry that he is alcoholic, and likes pills too much,(tho he would not admit this). so my heart aches, and i am angry about alcohol, and its thieving ways. Robs us of life. I hate it so much. It took my parents, and now it is trying to take my son. I selfishly think "why me?" but, why any of us? so many people in the same boat.
Thank you, and I will take your advice. I will be easier on myself, and let myself be human, with flaws, and not feel so guilty about them. That would be nice.