Seaglass

Hi Chicory.
I'm new to this forum myself, although I was introduced to the concept of ACOAs nearly 10 years ago. I commend you for all the work you've done on yourself, for your own sake as well as the sake of your children. However, I think you could be gentler on yourself about this jealousy you have. You've identified it as a problem, and I'm sure you'll work it out, just as well as you've worked out so much of the rest of your trauma and the way that trauma has manifested itself into your life, choices and outlook. After all, look at all you've been through.

Parents are "supposed" to love their children all the time. Not just when they feel like being responsible and sober.

I remember my "ah-ha!" moment as well. I read the first of the 13 characteristics (that we feel that we are not normal and that everybody else is) and suddenly I felt absolved. There was nothing wrong with me. I felt like this about myself because I grew up in an alcoholic home.

Again. Please be gentler with yourself. Jealousy may make you feel gross, but you've nailed it right there; jealousy is usually born out of one's feelings of inferiority. Furthermore, we grew up in environments in which trust was often hazardous to our physical and emotional health.

Also, we tend to be far too hard on ourselves, far too critical of ourselves. We're human too, subject to flaws, and we must allow ourselves to feel human emotions. Keep doing your work on yourself. I believe that you'll get to where you want to be.

Again, jealousy is usually born of insecurity. But also, personally, I know that I HATE HATE HATE lying. Because my alcholic mother lied a lot. And there are no fine lines. A lie is a lie is a lie. This black and white perspective also stems from being ACOA, from having tried to nail down the circumstances that caused my mother to drink, and trying to control every detail in our environment, (from the cleanliness of the house (OCD) to the behavior of my two younger brothers, etc etc etc) to make sure that she didn't drink, or at least didn't fly into a terrible, verbally and physically abusive rage. As children we think it's our fault and our responsibility, and that if we do X, Y and Z better, perfectly, we can make it so the alcholic will not drink. We now know this not to be true. But in my case at least, this black-and-whiteness issue still pops up a lot in unexpected places.

Perspective. Not your whole life has been ruined. You seem to be far ahead of many others in terms of reprogramming your thought patterns. You seem to have a great relationship with your children. I think you are disappointed in not having been involved in an emotionally fulfilling amorous relationship full of trust and "all that good stuff." And that will be the next aspect you can work on. When you feel better about yourself, I think the jealousy issue will follow suit.

"Normal" families do this, too. I think sometimes we are more sensitive to criticism. Especially because we do not receive constant unconditional love as an emotional backdrop to "normal" family teasing. We received "love" from our parents on the condition that they were sober and felt like showing it.

Your outlook is amazingly positive. I wish I had that kind of positivity. I would not consider you to have been fortunate. Emotional scars are much harder to address than the physical ones that can readily be seen. (BTW slapping someone in the face is physically abusive.) If it happened so much that you became hand-shy, then I'd gather that you were physically abused.

I suppose though your forgiveness is good for you, as there is probably some peace in it. I recognize in my circumstances that my mother had a terribly hard life, was abandoned as a toddler, was abused herself. However I didn't do it to her, and I didn't ask to be born. I know that I have yet to resolve how I feel about her. All I know is that I'm still very very angry.