T,
I think by having read through all your previous posts you had an 'Aha' moment. I think that is very positive. Very positive indeed. It's always difficult to let go of something when we hoped and hoped that it could and would be what we wanted it to be. For what it's worth, I think filing for divorce would be the next step in putting your old life to rest, so you can truly move forward to having the good life to aspire to.