Yes you're stuck in a pattern. Yes it's frustrating. Yes you're making slow progress. Yes you keep going back to him. Yes you keep abandoning yourself.
However ... from what I've read in your posts, you're a miracle to have kept it together as much as you have. You experienced some HORRIFIC stuff in your childhood. I'm not sure you realize how significant that is in regard to your current patterns, or how hard it is to overcome.
You're an amazingly bright, talented, passionate woman. Your energy & fire alone are awesome. I think you're special. The wounds you've suffered are deep ... deep to the bone, deep to your very soul ... & they will take a lot to work through. But I believe you are tough enough to do it. Of all people, you won't fail to find your way to the other side. Don't run anywhere ... just stand & face this. Stand still, on your own 2 feet, breath & know that this won't defeat you. It can't. You've got something primitive in your spirit, some will to live that can't be broken by what others do to you. Begin to take care of yourself. Begin to become yourself. You're worth it.