Aw, transformie, go easy on yourself.
I haven't been around much due to the busy, busy, busy-ness in my life of late, but I logged on just now and read this latest post. I'll go back and read what's been happening for you recently but it seemed really important to just say this: serenity doesn't come to us when we're beating ourselves up. Are you being kind to yourself? Are you talking to yourself the way you talk to your kids, your friends, your colleagues?
What step(s) can you take to sever ties with this man to the extent that you can? Each time you ride the merry-go-round you can choose to do 1 thing a little differently. Progress, not perfection. And you have progressed a lot in the time that I've been reading and posting here. I remember. Remind yourself that you're doing your very best at any given moment.
Yes, therapy, Medicine Man, healings...all good things that begin with being kind to yourself/taking care of yourself, one day at a time, one moment at a time.
Big hugs!
posie