Hopeless
I just went through all of my threads. It makes me want to vomit. I can't stop cyring. Sure, I know there is a wealth of other experiences that have filled the time between I first came here in September last year and now, but what I've posted here shows I keep going back to that selfish, childish, passive aggressive alcoholic. I honestly believe if we didn't have children it would be over for good because I would be living on a tropical island right now. But no, I"m stuck in the armpit of the midwest.
My patterns laid out so clearly before me are horrifying. I'm afraid. I leave him, only when it's so bad I can't stand it. I gain independence. I feel better about myself. He comes around convincing me things will be different. I buy into it. The same thing happens over and over again. THE SAME ******* THING. Yet after a few months the veil of forgetfulness comes up.
Maybe I should take the kids and move to Key West where my sister is after all. I just signed a lease for a house down the street though. This is where my kids friends and school are. I moved them from their home in sept. last year and this summer they joined the swim team in this neighborhood, are really feeling like they belong here. I can't take them away.
Why won't he leave me alone? I understand what we just went through now, I believed his assertions that things would be different, but as soon as I challenged his drinking, he turned on me. Deflected it with made up resentments towards me. It confused me, threw me off while I tried to defend myself. Thankfully I pulled up my old passive aggressive info and remembered all the other times this has happened. I've been raging for weeks at him, because he doesn't care about my feelings. THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION. I HAVE NO ONE BUT MYSELF TO BLAME FOR THIS. I need therapy. I need a healing. I need to go see the Medicine Man again and have him pull the power intrusions from my soul. I need help.