Glad to see you back. I battled for years over being unable to stop to not wanting to stop. It was that voice in my head that after maybe a hard night of drinking or a few days sober that told me....you are out of control but you need to drink. I wouldn't even allow myself for a very long time to assess the damage causing by drinking. I would just crave and yearn for it and it was about 90% mental. It was in my head that I had to drink to actually live and I would try to cut back....
You recognize these feelings and its the start of the hopefully something great and new. While I feel amazing resolve in my sobriety it took me 10 years of trying and stopping and starting and it seemed as years went on the effects of drinking became more negative and more painful. Drinking brought me no joy.....I would fear each day that I wouldn't have enough supply to see me through. When making a grocery list....I would put the booze first and yes...it was as much of my daily routine as sleeping and well....eating seemed to disappear.
Hang in there friend and know that each of us have been there. Sobriety is achievable and getting a good program of recovery in place is key.