Hi workingdbd
Welcome
Please consider seeing your Dr about this, or an addiction counsellor? Or consider NA or some other proigramme?
I know most people feel ashamed, so they want to do this in secret - but the burden of the secret, along with the burden of trying to get clean, can sometimes be too much. It was for me.
It sounds to me like you need help and support, and you'll find that here, but you need it in real life too.
It's the fight of your life, so why not get all the reinforcements you can get?
I agree with what others have said - do not lean on alcohol - it will suck you in and you're likely to end up with two problems. It's much better to seek professional help.
Please feel free to also check out our substance abuse forum
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D