I'm glad you're feeling better. Your story reminds me of my story. I was on pills for chronic pain off and on for about two decades before the disease of addiction finally took hold of me in a daily struggle.
I was a suburban upper-middle class government worker, not a likely candidate for addiction, one would think, but I always loved the way that percs and oxys made me feel. They gave me so much energy and a euphoric buzz that was like nothing else, I thought. I would take a 40 and clean and clean, humming happily to myself. I never was a party-type user. Nobody knew my secret.
It took such a long time and I didn't ever use habitually until I hooked up with another active addict. He showed me how to get as much as I wanted to take and that was the beginning of the end for me. One day, I decided to stop and found that I couldn't stand the way not taking pills felt, physically and mentally. I started a period of time where I wrote out tapering schedules and tried to follow them. One time I even got clean off tapering, only to "reward" myself a couple weeks later. Then I began again, a bit at a time, but I got hooked physically much faster this time. I couldn't get off them again, and the tapering schedules are all in a box on my dresser to remind me of this.
By the time I decided to get help, my waterfront house was in foreclosure and I was on the verge of losing everything. In despair, I called the hotline, was told how to find an NA meeting and I also came here on line for additional help. I was helped to get a sponsor and began working steps. I've never been happier. To be honest, drugs were only a symptom of my spiritual despair. I was trying to fill up a hole where my higher power needed to be. I actually thank God for my addiction now, because without it, I'd never have got the chance to do the work that has helped me find myself, to grow up to be a happy woman. I'm still working, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, changing and growing in so many ways for the better.
NA isn't just about the drugs, at least for many of us. It's about life and finding a way to live, joyous, happy, and free. I have a precious, crazy, mostly happy life now. I wouldn't give anything for my journey.
Here's hoping you give your journey to NA a chance. You have nothing to lose. It's an anonymous program. I have a security clearance, and I've never had a problem with people at work (so far, so good!) I keep my recovery to myself at work, which is sad, but necessary, to protect my career. Welcome, and keep coming back. If you like the people that you meet here, come to meetings and you'll meet the same kind of friendly, caring folk there. You're missing out on so much fun and love and growth by trying to take this journey without other addicts to help you.
Love,
KJ