Best wishes to you, Walkinghospital. If you find that your way isn't working for you, feel free to revisit.
This thread brings to mind my own personal experience with addiction and early recovery.
You see, there was a time when I didn't want to believe I was an addict and I certainly wasn't too keen on the idea of attending meetings. I even recall a counselor suggesting that I take a 6 - 9 month leave of absence from my job to live in a long-term "therapeutic recovery community." I told that guy, "No way!! I'm not taking time from my job for that! I've got bills to pay, money to make and a mortgage!" He told me that if I didn't take my recovery seriously I'd lose all of that stuff anyway. I was like, "Yeah..whatever."
Guess what? He was right and I just wasn't ready to do it his way. Two years later I lost my job, almost lost my home and got arrested and charged with crimes I committed to support my addiction. And when I finally got clean and came to NA, I started reading the literature...and these excerpts stood out for me:
"Most of us did not consider ourselves addicted before coming to the Narcotics Anonymous Program. The information available to us came from misinformed people. As long as we could stop using for a while, we thought we were all right. We looked at the stopping, not the using."
and
"At first, we were using in a manner that seemed to be social or at least controllable. We had little indication of the disaster that the future held for us. At some point, our using became uncontrollable and anti-social. This began when things were going well, and we were in situations that allowed us to use frequently. This was usually the end of the good times. We may have tried to moderate, substitute or even stop using, but we went from a state of drugged success and well-being to complete spiritual, mental and emotional bankruptcy. This rate of decline varies from addict to addict. Whether it occurs in years or days, it's all downhill. Those of us who don't die from this disease will go on to prison, mental institutions or complete demoralization as the disease progresses."
They say NA is for those who want it, not for those who need it. We only surrender after admitting complete defeat (hitting bottom). I recall staying clean for almost 9 months on sheer willpower...and I thought for sure I was on the right path. NA taught me that willpower doesn't work, and neither does tapering. I learned a lot in meetings.