chicory

Hello all,

I am choking up at this first post. My son, 38 years old, has never really "lived", not in a good functional way. As a child, he was very smart, and a computer was his first purchase. That gave him a world of things that were interesting to him. He loved D&D (Dungeons and Dragons) , and went on to online games. As a single mom, with two daughters too, I let him do too many things his way. He would argue til the cows came home, and I gave in, just to have peace. He was never into family gatherings, too boring, too many fun things in cyberspace. I realize that I did not hold him responsible for much. He took a job in high school, but got bored. He was a very scatter-brained kid, and no common sense .
He went to college after high school, for a few months, until staying up late in computer labs and not getting to class caused him to lag behind. he did not tell me that he needed money for books either, tho i had no money to help, i'd have found a way. so, he dropped out, and took off with friends, across the country. did not call me for nearly a year, and I had nightmares that he was dead. he did call me once, and sent a few letters, but that stopped, and I had to try to contact friends he knew, just to find out if he was alive.
finally, he came back to our town, and stayed with his dad and step mom. that did not last long, as he would not work, but stayed up on computer all night, and made excuses always for not getting jobs or not keeping them.

Was kicked out by step mom, and came to stay with me. went to work where i worked, and still , did not practice good sense about sleeping enough to stay at work. He thought he knew everything about computers, and tried to mess with the ones at work ,and kind of messed them up, but he did not see it! fell asleep at workl started missing days, same old thing.
so, then , he moved in with friends, who had big plans for creating web site business. more like stay up, smoke pot, drink, do whatever drugs, and live in the warehouse like home that his friend owned. never ate, slept all day, was depressed i would think. and i worried my heart out.
their business did not work and he would not get a job, claiming there were none. I always felt in my gut that he did not want to take any time away from his own interests , and that he was going to put off earning his own way if he could. others had always helped him.

he never got the great computer job that he thought he would someday. the ecomony, the way things changed, made it not so easy. but if you do not go to bed, or get up, or do the footwork, you dont find jobs.
he has had many small jobs, but quit them, or got fired, for "being sick- everyone there does it too- they wont care" kind of reasoning- made me crazy.
I am not sure when he really started drinking. he got a girlfriend, let her slip away, then would go forever before another one.
about 5 years ago, i took him in, let him stay for a year. he worked for construction (the only jobs he got were ones that i found, and knew someone there) , and he bought booze, stayed up all night, and wasted much money. would not see that he had a problem- says it is me, as an AC of A, that I had a problem with alcohol, and it was me that made him depressed enough to drink. I am sure that i have been very bad for him, in a lot of ways.
lost that job, got another, lost it, due to drinking, and I did not let him leave the house to go to work( driinking and using my truck) blamed me for that lost job. one job after another, lost due to something like not reading his schedule, or forgetting he had to go in. or not calling to find out if he had to work... so many lost jobs , and when he got a pay check, it was time to drink, and forget all about any kind of life plan. I have never heard him making any kind of normal plans for his life. sigh....

a year later, after he had been kicked out of his dads again, for taking some of his dads pain meds (dad let him when they were together playing comp. games, but step- mom was pissed that he did not have a job) and they dropped him off at an abandoned trailor, with no heat and he had a tent over hisself, to keep in the heat, while he played games , not even online- no service, but sitting there, hungry and depressed, and helpless? why was he so helpless?

so, i went to get him, and he stayed with me for another year of hell- he drank worse than ever- gin, and denial- day after day. one day, he became more destructive than usual, and kicked a hole in the door. broke the front door, drunk . I called the police, and they came and took him in. I slept well for the first night in a long time.
they fined him, turned him out the next day. he walked home. soon after, I had to move away, and not tell him where I was going. broke my heart. then, he took his car and went to my sisters, and she said he could stay if he promised not to drink. well, he broke that promise quickly. blamed her too,for being rediculou/s. he drove to town, parking his car in walmart, or any friends drive, and was homeless. one night, he had a joint that a friend gave him for his birthdya, and got caught with it, in his home/car. they took him in , fined him,for paraphanalia, minute bit of pot, and an open container (his closed beer left from the day before) he was not driving, and had no home, but that is no excuse from the law.
Ipicked him up with my other sister, who suggested a shelter in cincinnati. he went, not really knowing what else to do. left him there, and for a month, he lived that life. I had given him a cell phone, in case he needed to talk. which he did , regularly, making me feel guilty, and hating the world of "Christians" in the shelter, who made them pray before each meal. He did have some good days, where he seemed to appreciate some thing or someone there, who was struggleing too.
a friend went to gethim, and let him stay there, for a few months, which ran out recently. they moved away from him too (amazing) as he would not get a job( had so many reasons- like where am i going to be living, etc) so, I let him come back to my home, for i really am beginnning to see that he cant help his self, somehow.

I took him to a local mental health clinic and the psyc. diagnosed him with bipolar 2 within 20 minutes. he has no mania, and no depressed times that have led to treatment. he says he is not depressed, except because of his situation, no family of his own, no home , no job. his sisters have been very functional , and have nice homes and babies and I am sure that hurts him, to see it. they love him very much, and he gets mad that they do not help him more. heck, he does not even want to go to do the 28 hours monthly, in order to qualify for the foodstamps that he gets, and wont get if he does not do some kind of work (they think he is functional)

any way, I have another appt for him tomorrow, and it is with another psychiatirist. he needs help, and he just thinks he needs help with his nerves, or anxiety. I feel he has a.d.d . I do not think he fits bipolar, but if this doctor thinks so, i am praying that he will be reached somehow.
I do not have hope that he will ever change. That is my fear, but I amtrying to hang on, and hope anyway. He doesnt admit any problems. except for stress, and for a sinus problem that has been making him crazy for years, and he has never even had medical insurance in order to take care of it. i am getting him into university hospital soon, with financial aid, to find out what is going on. I pray they will find something fixable.
I know that I am not the best person to help him, but i want him to eat, get help, have a bed to sleep in, and not be a homeless person who falls through the cracks, just because they have a mental disorder.

I am just so afraid that he will never have any of the things in life that people should have. I am afraid that he will never admit that he needs help. he also would abuse any meds if they would give him a high. he has not been buying gin here, but if time goes on , he would.
he has no one else, and I think that his mental issues have been overlooked for a long time, and that is why he is not functioning. I wish I had recognized it and gotten him help when he was young. how could i not see it?

both parents of mine were alcoholics,and I am used to crazy, and he surely did not seem crazy like they were. life gets hard sometimes. I pray for the wisdom to do the right thing for him.
I am so sorry this is so long. if he was not 38, it would be much shorter, but this is years too late.
thank you , in advance for any encouragement or thoughts in general.