((((((((((((fidget))))))))))))
I hear your pain and frustration...and can understand so much of it. For most my life(I am 32 now) I have punished myself for what men did to me. I numbed the pain and nightmares with pills, alcohol, any drug I could find. The nightmares only got worse..I could not outrun myself..and oh how I tried. I landed face down, desperate, afraid not to die, yet afraid I would die..and all my dreams would never come true. Many days I had no dreams, no focus..just purgatory, hell, limbo..nothing helped, nothing looked hopeful.
Finally I came upon this site..and slowly ever so slowly I have come to find hope. I still struggle greatly....but I can function better. I still have agoraphobia, cannot drive and face demons still.....but I gained hope by losing it all. I was forced to look at ME when I was one day from buying a gun and ending it all. I had to really see what I was doing, and acknowledge it was not working how I was living.
There are many programs/teatment methods to help you. I follow my own program that I have thrown together from all I have learned. From 12 step to the Marines IMprovise, Adapt, Overcome. I had to improvise for a long long while feeling hope..I faked it til I meant it, and still wasn't sure at first if I HAD hope or faith..but sure enough we all have more than we know I believe..It is seeing it through the pain and haze of drugs and mental and emotional pain. It is always there..we have to reach for it, it reaches back.
Keep reaching out....don't give up sweetie..You can have hope, and life and realize ALL your dreams. Calling NA would give you some f2f support, do a search through the programs listed here....look at everything you can....don't isolate.....YOU are worth having peace and hope and joy. I believe we find what we seek..keep seeking. There are people who care and have been where you are...they can help.
Hang in there, okay? Life CAN get better. We can change our choices. We can face ourselves and come through the experience with tremendous spiritual growth and help others. But you must focus on YOU, first.
Hope to see you post again. Will have you in my thoughts and prayers.
(((((((((((((((((Warmest Hugs)))))))))))))))