Welcome SuperMega,
Like you I to hate the person that alcoholism has made me, I'm a 30 year drinker, I got to the point that I was willing to do anything to get sober and stay sober.
I'm not to sure what happen but one night I had a moment of clarity where my drinking was doing to me if i pick up again, I made a appt at my local hospital where thay had a Alcohol Program, I detox 3 days then into a in patient that lasted I think about 20 days, then right into AA.
Nothing will change unless I change it if I ever wanted to be happy, I needed to find a way to make it happen, like a program of recovery.
It was a lot of work but I'm 14 months sober, and what an awesome journey it can be.
Keep coming back here--- These folks are wise and they've been there, there's a lot of good advice and support here.
Road