These lines jumped out at me in your post.
I'm thinking of visiting him while he's in county. I don't know why I want to. It would do me no good.....
I don't know why I still love him after everything he's done......and it's hard for me to admit it, but I DO dammit and I want to stop. I hate this!
These words could be written by alcoholic about their booze or someone who's trying to let one go.
Either way, it's addiction.
Alice