His sister called me late this morning and told me tearfully "he's gone." He told her to tell me he loves me more than anything (my mind added except drugs and drinking) and he's going to fix his life and make something out of himself. I replied "I'll believe that when I see it." He's in county till Monday, then they'll take him wherever he's going. no one knows yet.
I was ok. I thought I was, but now I'm crying, wishing it didn't have to be like this, feeling guilty for not speaking to him before he went...all this **** going through my mind, how good things were when they were good, what a ******* he was when they weren't, how we fought so much, how he really does seem to love me, but I think he'll stop when he gets healthy. I don't think he ever really did, just needed someone to use, and fooled himself into thinking it was love. I want to get drunk. I want to have sex with someone. I want to go talk to a therapist. I want a time machine.
I'm thinking of visiting him while he's in county. I don't know why I want to. It would do me no good, and give him the false hope that there will be a woman waiting for him to use and abuse when he gets out. I don't know why I still love him after everything he's done. He doesn't deserve it, and it's hard for me to admit it, but I DO dammit and I want to stop. I hate this!
So, since I"m a musician, songs punctuate my feelings. This one has been going through my mind today.
YouTube - BETTE MIDLER - I think itīs gonna rain today (1988)