My AH at one time could have been described as a very functional alcoholic. In fact - the first seven years of our marriage he rarely drank at all and would leave beer in the frig unopened for weeks, only drinking it when we had guests.
For my husband, the change from casual drinker to alcoholic started when he began drinking a few beers after work everyday with a new neighbor. In a short time, my AH drinking “a few beers” became his priority.
Something significant in my husband had changed during this time. On the surface it appeared to be social drinking. It was hard to put a finger on - but a dynamic in our relationship was altered. When I looked back over the years - this was the time my AH subtly crossed over to addiction.
Under the pretention of social drinking, he had in fact quickly developed an obsession for alcohol in his life. The difference was that having a few beers no longer became a casual “take it or leave it” attitude ... it became a necessity for him every evening. There became more and more incidents he would become offensive and obnoxious after these “few beers”. It quickly became clear, those few beers became his daily focal point.
To put it simply, I did not like the person he became when he drank. The very essence of who he was changed when drinking those “few beers”. He would become too giddy .. or too overbearing ...or would get obnoxious ... and many times would become nasty or rude for no reason.
Whether I was unhappy or not with this offensive behavior seemingly no longer made a difference to him. In a matter of a few weeks, nothing could stop his nightly drinking of “a few beers”. He was not himself many nights when he drank. Most importantly - in hindsight I realized I had moved to into second place in our relationship - alcohol became number one.
For many, many years he kept up the pretense of casual daily beer drinking. He drank far more than he openly displayed ... always trying to convince me that I was just imagining his strange offensive behaviors. Eventually, he could no longer hide his addiction, he grew worse, he grew angrier and less giddy... all while living in denial. Finally all this took its toll and ended tragically with his many alcohol related illnesses and eventual death.
For me, after years of trying to understand what went so wrong ... I learned that for my AH, those “few beers” changed who he was, changed his priorities, changed the way he treated me. He was once a person that never lied, yet became someone that lied to me everyday about his drinking. That is the core of what made drinking for him unacceptable. It changed him in very negative ways. Yet nothing anyone could say or do could change his self destructive direction.
Not everyone that drinks daily becomes obsessed with drinking .. or becomes offensive or obnoxious ...and repeatedly engaging in hurtful or negative behaviors that damages their lives and relationships. He may be one of those rare lucky few that have a few beers just to relax everyday without transforming into someone else - someone other than being the good decent person you have come to know and love. The distinction can be difficult - but only one you can make.
Keep coming back and reading... this forum is filled with knowledge and wisdom. The more you understand, the easier it will be to find peace in your choices.