Disengaging...
So...as all of you probably know by now, my mother has made it her obsession to try to get me to see and abide by her "rules" with AS. Another very long email came in to me yesterday, essentially berating me for my boundaries, calling me a terrible person, blah blah blah! I quickly hit the delete button and did not respond. I also set up my email account to filter her emails directly into the trash. I've come to the realization that there is NO POINT in trying with her; she will never respect my POV, so I just have to disengage.
I started doing reading on narcissistic parents (a topic that is frequently discussed in therapy) and came across this list. I thought I'd post it here because I found it relateable and useful.
When dealing with narcissistic parents:
Do not allow your parents to manage your life any longer
Do not allow them to interfere with your new family: your spouse and children
Do not allow them to turn you into a servant, instantaneously and obsequiously at their beck ad call
Do not become their source of funding
Do not become their exclusive or most important source of narcissistic supply (attention, adulation, admiration)
Do not show them that they can hurt you or that you are afraid of them or that they have any kind of power over you
Be ostentatiously autonomous and independent-minded in their presence
Do not succumb to emotional blackmail or emotional incest
Punish them by disengaging every time they transgress. Condition them not to misbehave, not to abuse you.
Identify the most common strategies of fostering unhealthy (trauma) bonding and the most prevalent control mechanisms:
Guilt-driven ("I sacrificed my life for you.")
Codependent ("I need you, I cannot cope without you.")
Goal-driven ("We have a common goal which we can and must achieve")
Shared psychosis or emotional incest ("You and I are united against the whole world, or at least against your monstrous, no-good father ...", "You are my one and only true love and passion")
Explicit ("If you do not adhere to my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion, values, if you do not obey my instructions - I will punish you").