Originally Posted by
incognito70 
See now this is valuable information to me. (and what nodaybut2day said)
Instead of asking him to quit and telling him he has a problem, I can put the ball in his court and tell him *I* have a problem with his drinking and see if his reaction is that his drinking becomes a problem for him.
No so much. You are considering setting a boundary. I struggle a lot with boundaries. I found this really thread helpful.
Setting Boundaries
From that thread here are two parts that might stand out.
There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
and
Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.
I'd encourage you to read the entire thread though. It has a lot of good info in it. Not all of the examples are going to apply to your situation but the general principles were so easy for me to understand, yet really hard for me to grasp if that makes sense.
Maybe what stood out to me was when you shared that you were afraid to hurt his feelings. That is so close to how I feel and my boundaries crashed down in the slightest breeze and they were non-existent at the end of my relationship with xah. Be cognizant of your boundaries and protect them!
ETA: and not all A's get angry and mad. Mine was plenty sorry and ready to change/do better/respect my desire/do what is right. yadda yadda. I can see now how silly that sounds because he just nods his head, tells me how right I am, and shuts me up....then gets another beer. Words are cheap. 'What you do speaks so loud I can not hear what you say.' by Ralph Waldo Emerson is permanently on my bulletin board as a reminder.
Works on both sides btw. His words were cheap about the drinking and so were mine when it came to boundaries. I hardly knew what they were in the end but even when I still had some semblance of knowing what they should be - I did nothing to protect them, or myself - or sadly, my children. I don't mean protect from abuse either. My xah was not abusive but basics like emotional safety, financial security, trust, etc go sliding down the hill, washed away with a river of cheap beer, without boundaries.